I finally completed realizing today that while I'm quite easy to like...
...I'm not really that easy to love.
Consider: Person J really really liked me. We flirted a lot. Then we had one of those "oh we're not flirting anymore!" times followed by the "yes darling we're going out". However she very soon dropped me for someone else, HOWEVER she never stopped really liking me and liking to hang out.
Person M - the only person so far who started out REALLY loving me, just couldn't take it any longer and broke up with me. And she's still very bitter against me, because I think she still loves the idea of loving me, but hates me for not being easy to love in reality.
And Person S just told me that this whole romantic thing isn't really working, but she really likes hanging out with me. She thinks it's her fault, but it's not....
I think I'm too laid back. I'm too respectful as well of other people, and I don't want to impose myself or push things too far. I'm funny and happy, but I have a hard time opening up and being personal. That's because when I do open up, you suddenly realize all the shit I've had to go through in my life and how deeply it's affected me. It's a burdan I'm glad to talk about, but nothing that anyone has wanted to share. I don't blame them at all for it, I wouldn't want it either (although I'm grateful for it because of all I've learned from it).
I'm a great friend. I think now I just need to learn how to be content with that.
That shouldn't take long. Once I know something about myself, I can become comfortable accepting that strength or weakness. It's the not knowing that gets to me and gets me down.
Good to know...
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Such is life....
As I finally popped open a bottle of Firestone beer last night, somewhere between 10 and 11 pm, I remembered how sometimes "life" takes far too much pleasure in throwing everything at you at one time...
It started with the move - nothing unplanned, I made myself available this holiday weekend so I could help my old roommates move into their new house (and also lay claim to a corner for myself during my Davis stay). The funny part was suddenly, oh, two of them have to go to a wedding and can't be around for the unloading of the U-Haul into the new house. Fortunately the remaining roommate, Jordan, and I recruited a small squad of willing help (mostly female...) and we were able to get all the boxes and furniture into the garage and parts of the house by around 6 pm on Saturday. After a dinner, Jordan decided to spend the rest of the evening setting up his fish tanks, while I decided to spend my evening actually moving the furniture into the house and setting it in correct locations, as well as beds, and moving boxes into their correct rooms...
I guess I must have some sort of extremist idea of what "moving" involves... my roommates appear to think that the "take it slow and draw it out as long as possible" is the best method. I just want to be productive. After spending Sunday morning going insane with their inactivity, I helped two of my girls move into new appartments, and returned their U-Hauls. It was a long day, but it did culminate in a free dinner at Plutos.
Monday started with me returning to my usual PT, followed by my roommate's announcement that he wanted a fish pond just off the front porch (no, we're not done unpacking boxes yet). After watching him dig for a bit, I took pity on him and decided that if we're going to have a fish pond, we'd better have one that at least looks decent. So I dug a nice two level squared off 4'x8'x22" hole in the hard ground. This was followed by scavangeing large rocks from around town to weigh the pond liner down. In the end, it looks like a good pond.... it even has a fountain... but we're not finished unpacking.
After all of that, I decided I needed a beer. So I got in my car around 7:30 to head on down to Woodstocks for pint night. I was just getting relaxed and looking forward to a good evening as I navigated the streets in Davis... I was just turning left on a green light, when.... BAM.
Some dark blue car with no lights comes speeding out of no where and impales intself on my right front tire, which decides to go for a brand new acute angle with the ground, as well as a new profession of holding up my suspension on it's rim.... the other car lost it's bumper, but other than that, perfectly ok...
Around 8:30 the cop finally shows up to give his assessment, and the tow truck arrives to drag both cars (?). Mine is the last car on, and after an interesting drive and getting lost trying to find my street, I finally have my poor wrecked car on the driveway around 10:30.
That's when I popped open the beer and reached for my phone to call my folks... only to discover that my phone has gone MIA since the accident. Probably fell on the side of the road after the colission... geeze...
And today I have to write a paper for class...
Oh, did I mention I also ship out in 20 days?
I love life...
Fuck...
When things like this happen, I always remember that scene in Ocean's 12 where the guy looks over at his palm reader and says "THIS? You couldn't warn me about THIS?" as he's getting abducted...
I like to check my horoscope and see what "words of warning" they may have had for me, haha!
I like yesterday's: "Important messages from the depths of your subconscious have the answers you are seeking, yet they won't likely be delivered if there are too many distractions in the way."
Yeah, that distraction was a dark blue Honda Accord. I wonder if the important message was "brake, you fool!!"?
Today's is equally good: "Vacillating between fuzzy thinking and accurate analysis of the facts can be a bit exhausting, especially if you can't tell which is which." Yeah, I'm not looking forward to the accident report this afternoon. But I guess I didn't think that I wouldn't remember what the facts were?
It's a constant source of amusment, reading late horoscopes.
It started with the move - nothing unplanned, I made myself available this holiday weekend so I could help my old roommates move into their new house (and also lay claim to a corner for myself during my Davis stay). The funny part was suddenly, oh, two of them have to go to a wedding and can't be around for the unloading of the U-Haul into the new house. Fortunately the remaining roommate, Jordan, and I recruited a small squad of willing help (mostly female...) and we were able to get all the boxes and furniture into the garage and parts of the house by around 6 pm on Saturday. After a dinner, Jordan decided to spend the rest of the evening setting up his fish tanks, while I decided to spend my evening actually moving the furniture into the house and setting it in correct locations, as well as beds, and moving boxes into their correct rooms...
I guess I must have some sort of extremist idea of what "moving" involves... my roommates appear to think that the "take it slow and draw it out as long as possible" is the best method. I just want to be productive. After spending Sunday morning going insane with their inactivity, I helped two of my girls move into new appartments, and returned their U-Hauls. It was a long day, but it did culminate in a free dinner at Plutos.
Monday started with me returning to my usual PT, followed by my roommate's announcement that he wanted a fish pond just off the front porch (no, we're not done unpacking boxes yet). After watching him dig for a bit, I took pity on him and decided that if we're going to have a fish pond, we'd better have one that at least looks decent. So I dug a nice two level squared off 4'x8'x22" hole in the hard ground. This was followed by scavangeing large rocks from around town to weigh the pond liner down. In the end, it looks like a good pond.... it even has a fountain... but we're not finished unpacking.
After all of that, I decided I needed a beer. So I got in my car around 7:30 to head on down to Woodstocks for pint night. I was just getting relaxed and looking forward to a good evening as I navigated the streets in Davis... I was just turning left on a green light, when.... BAM.
Some dark blue car with no lights comes speeding out of no where and impales intself on my right front tire, which decides to go for a brand new acute angle with the ground, as well as a new profession of holding up my suspension on it's rim.... the other car lost it's bumper, but other than that, perfectly ok...
Around 8:30 the cop finally shows up to give his assessment, and the tow truck arrives to drag both cars (?). Mine is the last car on, and after an interesting drive and getting lost trying to find my street, I finally have my poor wrecked car on the driveway around 10:30.
That's when I popped open the beer and reached for my phone to call my folks... only to discover that my phone has gone MIA since the accident. Probably fell on the side of the road after the colission... geeze...
And today I have to write a paper for class...
Oh, did I mention I also ship out in 20 days?
I love life...
Fuck...
When things like this happen, I always remember that scene in Ocean's 12 where the guy looks over at his palm reader and says "THIS? You couldn't warn me about THIS?" as he's getting abducted...
I like to check my horoscope and see what "words of warning" they may have had for me, haha!
I like yesterday's: "Important messages from the depths of your subconscious have the answers you are seeking, yet they won't likely be delivered if there are too many distractions in the way."
Yeah, that distraction was a dark blue Honda Accord. I wonder if the important message was "brake, you fool!!"?
Today's is equally good: "Vacillating between fuzzy thinking and accurate analysis of the facts can be a bit exhausting, especially if you can't tell which is which." Yeah, I'm not looking forward to the accident report this afternoon. But I guess I didn't think that I wouldn't remember what the facts were?
It's a constant source of amusment, reading late horoscopes.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
ah fuck it...
I really need to tell Dave to kinda lay off (literally?) of Sonia before it really gets to me... I mean, I'm not at nature a jealous man... but couldn't he just lay off for a month until I'm gone? Whatever... just had to say that somewhere...
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Busy
I've spent quite a bit of time on the Army clock this last week. I'm the Davis liason recruiter, and as such, try and refer as many people as possible to my sergeant at the Woodland station (I've had about 4 referals in the last weeks). Last week I was called into Woodland to report and travel with my sergeants into the Sacramento Battalion base to reapply for my shipping orders. I spent several days, missing two days of class in the process (grrrr) because of having to wait on the staff sergeants and officers to make arrangements.
But I finally have what I was called up for! A ship date! September 24th for Ft Jackson, SC! Hooah - finally! It's maybe sooner than I hoped, but I just want to get this Change Of Station over with...
While at the Sacramento base, I spent a fair deal of time in the general lounge where all the kids who are hoping to ship off to basic sit around. Again, as always, I was struck by the fact that they are all children, between 17 and 19 years old. They are fit, to be sure, in good spirits, but so very young and inexperienced. Don't tell that to them of course - there's always enough testosterone running around in that lounge to make defensive attitudes rise quickly, although there's something about wearing a uniform in that crowd which draws instant respect, so maybe I'm lucky.
There was one guy there however - calm, about six foot something, of african american descent, and with a very mature bearing. I read his info sticker and it titled him as a US Army Active shipper - leaving that day. We sat next to each other in the outer lounge where non-military people are allowed, and his very tall and lovely wife and two small children came in to say good bye to pappa. I wondered what his story was. Everyone has a story for joining, but most of them are the same: either it's a kid who's wanted to be in the army since he or she was first able to walk, or it's a kid who's had a lot of trouble at school, is having trouble at home, and wants to get out and make a new life for him/herself. But obviously not this fellow - the only person below the rank of E-4 there who was, besides myself, over the age of 21! I didn't get to ask him why he joined, but you have to know it involved a fair amount of sheer patriotism to have left his family like that.
All I can say is I hope I have his type in my unit...
But I finally have what I was called up for! A ship date! September 24th for Ft Jackson, SC! Hooah - finally! It's maybe sooner than I hoped, but I just want to get this Change Of Station over with...
While at the Sacramento base, I spent a fair deal of time in the general lounge where all the kids who are hoping to ship off to basic sit around. Again, as always, I was struck by the fact that they are all children, between 17 and 19 years old. They are fit, to be sure, in good spirits, but so very young and inexperienced. Don't tell that to them of course - there's always enough testosterone running around in that lounge to make defensive attitudes rise quickly, although there's something about wearing a uniform in that crowd which draws instant respect, so maybe I'm lucky.
There was one guy there however - calm, about six foot something, of african american descent, and with a very mature bearing. I read his info sticker and it titled him as a US Army Active shipper - leaving that day. We sat next to each other in the outer lounge where non-military people are allowed, and his very tall and lovely wife and two small children came in to say good bye to pappa. I wondered what his story was. Everyone has a story for joining, but most of them are the same: either it's a kid who's wanted to be in the army since he or she was first able to walk, or it's a kid who's had a lot of trouble at school, is having trouble at home, and wants to get out and make a new life for him/herself. But obviously not this fellow - the only person below the rank of E-4 there who was, besides myself, over the age of 21! I didn't get to ask him why he joined, but you have to know it involved a fair amount of sheer patriotism to have left his family like that.
All I can say is I hope I have his type in my unit...
Saturday, August 9, 2008
Late night forgetfulness...
drinking Old Rasputin Imperial Stout and watching scads of Cary Grant films... ahhh... The Aweful Truth, Holiday, and Talk of the Town... a great way to laugh again
Friday, August 8, 2008
Caber
She just sat there, staring at the door. Occasionally she would turn her head and look up at me, then back at the door. It was as if she knew it would be the last time she could go outside, and she wanted just one more chance to sniff around.
I left class early on Wednesday, because they said my dog's tumor was growing alarmingly fast. I probably sped a little on the drive up. She greeted me with a muffled "wuff!"; the tumor in her mouth and throat made speech really difficult for her, but she was still excited to see me.
Thursday we said goodbye - to places, to people, to things. She was still the same perky dog she ever was, I just had to stop and clean the puss coming from her mouth every ten minutes. But she was full of life, and happy to be living it. The tumor burst in a bloody mess that night, and I knew that today couldn't come too soon.
And so this morning she just sat there, staring at the vet door, as if she understood it wasn't a simple check-up or shots like normal. We brought her to this vet 11 years ago, almost exactly. She was about four pounds and the same number of weeks old - a tiny thing all covered in bulging ticks who made her weak from loss of blood. Who knew such a tired little thing would turn into a spritely and energetic puppy, and stay that way for a decade?
We had a good life. We both grew. She followed me everywhere. She missed me when I transfered. She was extatic every time I could come home. She followed me into the final room and lay down on command, her eyes a little nervous, and maybe just a little sad. I held her head and scratched her jaw. In a moment she relaxed and lay her head in my hands, her breathing slowed. I felt her pulse and knew when she was gone. I kissed her head for the last time and said thank you.
It will be a long time before I have another dog.
Monday, July 28, 2008
disturbed...
(and yes, I like that band)
I had a good time last night - I went down to Old Faithful (the Banshee) with the girl, Airman Peters. I also ran into my old friend from Butte days Brian and his girl friend Shasta, who joined us randomly for a double date.
Now here's the thing - Shasta's older sister Crystal and I had a lot of classes together and I kinda had a thing for her in a big way. I haven't seen her in a year or so, so I asked how she was doing. Apparently she's married. "Yeah", Brian said, "and apparently she was really really into you, ain't that funny?". I asked about her husband, and Shasta rolls her eyes. "He's an oaf", she said, "a complete oaf. Crystal, who graduates in Anthropology at the top of her class, marries an oaf and is destined to make babies and live in Oroville for the rest of her life".
I was just kinda stunned.
I mean, Crystal was the type of girl who was a) drop dead gorgeous, b) motivated for success, and c) smarter than ME. Oh yeah, and she had great fashion too. So here's the thing - I spent the entire trip driving back to Davis musing on her circumstance and just being completely disturbed. You know, I used to be into the whole sanctity of marriage thing back in the day, but in this case I believe the higher calling is fullfilment of self! I've half a mind to get her number, invite her out for coffee to catch up on old times, and just say "hey, I'm still very much into you - I've 40,000 a year plus living expensives and the opportunity to travel around the country, what do you say?".
Is that really so bad? Am I just being exceptionally jealous? I don't know. But I am disturbed for her. I still apparently care enough for her that I can't just seem to let this go. Isn't that aweful? When you really care about someone but missed out and can't do anything anymore but watch them fade into the mundane?
Geeze...
I'm gonna be up all night again... :-P
Two months until I ship out...
I had a good time last night - I went down to Old Faithful (the Banshee) with the girl, Airman Peters. I also ran into my old friend from Butte days Brian and his girl friend Shasta, who joined us randomly for a double date.
Now here's the thing - Shasta's older sister Crystal and I had a lot of classes together and I kinda had a thing for her in a big way. I haven't seen her in a year or so, so I asked how she was doing. Apparently she's married. "Yeah", Brian said, "and apparently she was really really into you, ain't that funny?". I asked about her husband, and Shasta rolls her eyes. "He's an oaf", she said, "a complete oaf. Crystal, who graduates in Anthropology at the top of her class, marries an oaf and is destined to make babies and live in Oroville for the rest of her life".
I was just kinda stunned.
I mean, Crystal was the type of girl who was a) drop dead gorgeous, b) motivated for success, and c) smarter than ME. Oh yeah, and she had great fashion too. So here's the thing - I spent the entire trip driving back to Davis musing on her circumstance and just being completely disturbed. You know, I used to be into the whole sanctity of marriage thing back in the day, but in this case I believe the higher calling is fullfilment of self! I've half a mind to get her number, invite her out for coffee to catch up on old times, and just say "hey, I'm still very much into you - I've 40,000 a year plus living expensives and the opportunity to travel around the country, what do you say?".
Is that really so bad? Am I just being exceptionally jealous? I don't know. But I am disturbed for her. I still apparently care enough for her that I can't just seem to let this go. Isn't that aweful? When you really care about someone but missed out and can't do anything anymore but watch them fade into the mundane?
Geeze...
I'm gonna be up all night again... :-P
Two months until I ship out...
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