I finally completed realizing today that while I'm quite easy to like...
...I'm not really that easy to love.
Consider: Person J really really liked me. We flirted a lot. Then we had one of those "oh we're not flirting anymore!" times followed by the "yes darling we're going out". However she very soon dropped me for someone else, HOWEVER she never stopped really liking me and liking to hang out.
Person M - the only person so far who started out REALLY loving me, just couldn't take it any longer and broke up with me. And she's still very bitter against me, because I think she still loves the idea of loving me, but hates me for not being easy to love in reality.
And Person S just told me that this whole romantic thing isn't really working, but she really likes hanging out with me. She thinks it's her fault, but it's not....
I think I'm too laid back. I'm too respectful as well of other people, and I don't want to impose myself or push things too far. I'm funny and happy, but I have a hard time opening up and being personal. That's because when I do open up, you suddenly realize all the shit I've had to go through in my life and how deeply it's affected me. It's a burdan I'm glad to talk about, but nothing that anyone has wanted to share. I don't blame them at all for it, I wouldn't want it either (although I'm grateful for it because of all I've learned from it).
I'm a great friend. I think now I just need to learn how to be content with that.
That shouldn't take long. Once I know something about myself, I can become comfortable accepting that strength or weakness. It's the not knowing that gets to me and gets me down.
Good to know...
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Such is life....
As I finally popped open a bottle of Firestone beer last night, somewhere between 10 and 11 pm, I remembered how sometimes "life" takes far too much pleasure in throwing everything at you at one time...
It started with the move - nothing unplanned, I made myself available this holiday weekend so I could help my old roommates move into their new house (and also lay claim to a corner for myself during my Davis stay). The funny part was suddenly, oh, two of them have to go to a wedding and can't be around for the unloading of the U-Haul into the new house. Fortunately the remaining roommate, Jordan, and I recruited a small squad of willing help (mostly female...) and we were able to get all the boxes and furniture into the garage and parts of the house by around 6 pm on Saturday. After a dinner, Jordan decided to spend the rest of the evening setting up his fish tanks, while I decided to spend my evening actually moving the furniture into the house and setting it in correct locations, as well as beds, and moving boxes into their correct rooms...
I guess I must have some sort of extremist idea of what "moving" involves... my roommates appear to think that the "take it slow and draw it out as long as possible" is the best method. I just want to be productive. After spending Sunday morning going insane with their inactivity, I helped two of my girls move into new appartments, and returned their U-Hauls. It was a long day, but it did culminate in a free dinner at Plutos.
Monday started with me returning to my usual PT, followed by my roommate's announcement that he wanted a fish pond just off the front porch (no, we're not done unpacking boxes yet). After watching him dig for a bit, I took pity on him and decided that if we're going to have a fish pond, we'd better have one that at least looks decent. So I dug a nice two level squared off 4'x8'x22" hole in the hard ground. This was followed by scavangeing large rocks from around town to weigh the pond liner down. In the end, it looks like a good pond.... it even has a fountain... but we're not finished unpacking.
After all of that, I decided I needed a beer. So I got in my car around 7:30 to head on down to Woodstocks for pint night. I was just getting relaxed and looking forward to a good evening as I navigated the streets in Davis... I was just turning left on a green light, when.... BAM.
Some dark blue car with no lights comes speeding out of no where and impales intself on my right front tire, which decides to go for a brand new acute angle with the ground, as well as a new profession of holding up my suspension on it's rim.... the other car lost it's bumper, but other than that, perfectly ok...
Around 8:30 the cop finally shows up to give his assessment, and the tow truck arrives to drag both cars (?). Mine is the last car on, and after an interesting drive and getting lost trying to find my street, I finally have my poor wrecked car on the driveway around 10:30.
That's when I popped open the beer and reached for my phone to call my folks... only to discover that my phone has gone MIA since the accident. Probably fell on the side of the road after the colission... geeze...
And today I have to write a paper for class...
Oh, did I mention I also ship out in 20 days?
I love life...
Fuck...
When things like this happen, I always remember that scene in Ocean's 12 where the guy looks over at his palm reader and says "THIS? You couldn't warn me about THIS?" as he's getting abducted...
I like to check my horoscope and see what "words of warning" they may have had for me, haha!
I like yesterday's: "Important messages from the depths of your subconscious have the answers you are seeking, yet they won't likely be delivered if there are too many distractions in the way."
Yeah, that distraction was a dark blue Honda Accord. I wonder if the important message was "brake, you fool!!"?
Today's is equally good: "Vacillating between fuzzy thinking and accurate analysis of the facts can be a bit exhausting, especially if you can't tell which is which." Yeah, I'm not looking forward to the accident report this afternoon. But I guess I didn't think that I wouldn't remember what the facts were?
It's a constant source of amusment, reading late horoscopes.
It started with the move - nothing unplanned, I made myself available this holiday weekend so I could help my old roommates move into their new house (and also lay claim to a corner for myself during my Davis stay). The funny part was suddenly, oh, two of them have to go to a wedding and can't be around for the unloading of the U-Haul into the new house. Fortunately the remaining roommate, Jordan, and I recruited a small squad of willing help (mostly female...) and we were able to get all the boxes and furniture into the garage and parts of the house by around 6 pm on Saturday. After a dinner, Jordan decided to spend the rest of the evening setting up his fish tanks, while I decided to spend my evening actually moving the furniture into the house and setting it in correct locations, as well as beds, and moving boxes into their correct rooms...
I guess I must have some sort of extremist idea of what "moving" involves... my roommates appear to think that the "take it slow and draw it out as long as possible" is the best method. I just want to be productive. After spending Sunday morning going insane with their inactivity, I helped two of my girls move into new appartments, and returned their U-Hauls. It was a long day, but it did culminate in a free dinner at Plutos.
Monday started with me returning to my usual PT, followed by my roommate's announcement that he wanted a fish pond just off the front porch (no, we're not done unpacking boxes yet). After watching him dig for a bit, I took pity on him and decided that if we're going to have a fish pond, we'd better have one that at least looks decent. So I dug a nice two level squared off 4'x8'x22" hole in the hard ground. This was followed by scavangeing large rocks from around town to weigh the pond liner down. In the end, it looks like a good pond.... it even has a fountain... but we're not finished unpacking.
After all of that, I decided I needed a beer. So I got in my car around 7:30 to head on down to Woodstocks for pint night. I was just getting relaxed and looking forward to a good evening as I navigated the streets in Davis... I was just turning left on a green light, when.... BAM.
Some dark blue car with no lights comes speeding out of no where and impales intself on my right front tire, which decides to go for a brand new acute angle with the ground, as well as a new profession of holding up my suspension on it's rim.... the other car lost it's bumper, but other than that, perfectly ok...
Around 8:30 the cop finally shows up to give his assessment, and the tow truck arrives to drag both cars (?). Mine is the last car on, and after an interesting drive and getting lost trying to find my street, I finally have my poor wrecked car on the driveway around 10:30.
That's when I popped open the beer and reached for my phone to call my folks... only to discover that my phone has gone MIA since the accident. Probably fell on the side of the road after the colission... geeze...
And today I have to write a paper for class...
Oh, did I mention I also ship out in 20 days?
I love life...
Fuck...
When things like this happen, I always remember that scene in Ocean's 12 where the guy looks over at his palm reader and says "THIS? You couldn't warn me about THIS?" as he's getting abducted...
I like to check my horoscope and see what "words of warning" they may have had for me, haha!
I like yesterday's: "Important messages from the depths of your subconscious have the answers you are seeking, yet they won't likely be delivered if there are too many distractions in the way."
Yeah, that distraction was a dark blue Honda Accord. I wonder if the important message was "brake, you fool!!"?
Today's is equally good: "Vacillating between fuzzy thinking and accurate analysis of the facts can be a bit exhausting, especially if you can't tell which is which." Yeah, I'm not looking forward to the accident report this afternoon. But I guess I didn't think that I wouldn't remember what the facts were?
It's a constant source of amusment, reading late horoscopes.
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